


Null and Void (and Life, Hope, Heart)

by rezi



Category: Homestuck
Genre: Canon Compliant, Character Study, Gap Filler, Gen, M/M, Palpable Awkwardness, Pesterlog(s) (Homestuck), Relationship Study, pre-retcon
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-01-07
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-01 09:39:22
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 7
Words: 7,380
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13292121
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/rezi/pseuds/rezi
Summary: Conversations from the Alpha Kids' void session. Four teens (and one pair of sentient shades) trying and failing to figure out what the hell to do with the game and with each other, fucking up time and time again in a session that's going nowhere.Features time-travel memo shenanigans, death-defying dadhunts, extremely awkward movie nights, Erisolsprite's endless suffering, and the Mohs Scale of Dude Hardness. Not necessarily in that order.Adapted from a draft written in mid-2014. Originally intended as a Dirk/Jake relationship study, and while that's still definitely the main focus, it pulls in Jane and Roxy as well from Chapter 4 onwards. I love 'em (and the Alpha Kid dynamics) too much to leave 'em out.





	1. Chapter 1

TT: All settled in?  
TT: Did you have to lay it on so thick?  
TT: Lay what on so thick?  
TT: Please elaborate.  
TT: Your grand romantic overture, or whatever the fuck that was.  
TT: "This severed head is your filthy tuba, our love will be your haunting refrain"?  
TT: What were you thinking??  
TT: It was bad enough that this was the first time he'd ever touched me. My lifeless, bleeding, decapitated head. Creepy to look at, let alone kiss.  
TT: That had to be done. Otherwise, you'd have cut your own head off for nothing. Another teen on the dead teen pile.  
TT: I know. That isn't the point. What I'm saying is, you made it even creepier than it already was.  
TT: Forgive me, Dirk. I'm an emotionless robot. Is it any surprise that I make certain missteps with your complex human romance?  
TT: Don't you get started with your "emotionless robot" shtick.  
TT: I think you're the one missing the point. The fact is, it succeeded.  
TT: Succeeded at doing what? Freaking him out?  
TT: Getting him to kiss you.  
TT: And he even admitted he'd "pictured" things between you and him.  
TT: Sounds like the guy's thought about kissing you before.  
TT: How's that for a success?  
TT: I'll still have some serious damage control to do. Gotta make up for all your bullshit.  
TT: Nah, bro, it's cool.  
TT: How is it cool?  
TT: I dealt with the damage control myself.  
TT: The guy was seriously mad at me, so I calmed him down. He'd probably have snapped me in half or something otherwise, the way he was going.  
TT: A dude's gotta self-preserve.  
TT: Yeah, well maybe he should have snapped you in half. You fucked this up for me.  
TT: Okay, that was uncalled for. Seriously, I'm the best robo wingman you could ever fucking ask for.  
TT: Do you even know what I did for you?  
TT: I hauled your sorry ass off up off the floor with him.  
TT: You got it there in the first place!  
TT: Just hear me out, Dirk.  
TT: You read that log, now read this one.  
TT: It would be a good idea to know what you're talking about before shitting on me for it.  
TT: Fine.

* * *

DS AUTO RESPONDER CHATLOG  
TIMESTAMP: ??:?? ON ????/??/??  
CONVERSATIONAL PARTNER:  golgothasTerror  
GT: What the friggin hell????  
GT: Jane dirk roxy... they were there all along! Why did you have to freak me out like that?????  
GT: And couldnt one of them have kissed your fuckin head??  
GT: My mouth still tastes like dirks blood! Christ almighty ill never get this out...  
TT: Jake, it seems you are overreacting.  
GT: OVERREACTING????????  
TT: Please calm down. Everything can be explained.  
GT: Overreacting my fucking rear end!!!!!!!!  
GT: Riddle me this then mister computerbrain smartyshades!  
GT: If you were the one being put slap bang on the spot being forced to kiss this gross bloody head because LITERALLY ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS WERE DEAD and this was the only way to save them...  
GT: HOW WOULD YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT HUH???????  
GT: You had better have a good explanation up your robo sleeve wise guy!  
TT: First of all, you are asking the wrong person for emotional empathy. Being, as you termed it, a "computerbrain smartyshades", I am not physically capable of experiencing emotions like a human does.  
TT: And it would seem your human emotions are interfering with your ability to make logical decisions here.  
TT: Allowing one of the others to kiss the head instead would likely cause a temporal paradox.  
GT: Really? HOW?  
TT: The situation had to be internally consistent. We don't need to go into the details, though. Point is, it worked.  
GT: Oh ha ha! Nice way of avoiding an explanation dickshades!  
GT: You know what i think? I think it would have been PERFECTLY FINE if someone else had kissed it rather than putting me through all that trauma for GOSHDARNED ZILCH.  
TT: So you're suddenly an authority on time travel, are you?  
TT: Not to mention, retroactively trying to shift responsibility onto someone else.  
TT: How heroic.  
GT: I...  
TT: Again, everything worked out according to plan. We're all alive, we're all here. What is there to complain about?  
GT: A fair deal actually!!!!  
GT: And youre coming clean that this was all your plan are you??  
TT: Perhaps.  
TT: But, just as I said, it worked.  
GT: Fine.  
GT: I guess it couldnt have been any other way then.  
GT: I just wish...  
GT: That was my first kiss.  
GT: I just wish it didnt have to have been with a fuckin severed head of all things. Dripping blood too!!!  
GT: I love skulls but NOT IN THAT WAY.  
TT: How do you wish it had gone?  
GT: Pardon??  
TT: Just curious.  
TT: If it didn't have to be like this, if you had the freedom to have your first kiss any way you wanted...  
TT: Care to share?  
GT: Well...  
GT: God dammit why should I tell you????  
TT: Why shouldn't you?  
TT: It's not like there's anyone else here.  
TT: Hell, I'm barely even a someone.  
TT: I'm glasses.  
GT: This is a very personal thing!  
TT: Yeah, and you've just gone through a very personal crisis.  
TT: This is what you need right now. Take yourself to a better place.  
GT: Excuse me i hardly need you to act like my robo therapist or something. Im perfectly fine.  
TT: Yeah, and all your ranting at me about how you'd been traumatized is exactly the kind of thing someone who was perfectly fine would say.  
TT: This'll help you calm yourself down. Seriously. No irony here at all.  
GT: But  
GT: Ok. Why not.  
GT: I always had this silly fantasy...  
GT: Oh crud this is going to sound so lame.  
TT: Nah, I don't really give a shit.  
TT: A dude's gotta get his fantasize on now and then. We all do it, unless we're supercomputers.  
TT: And whatever gooey fantasy you had in mind, Dirk's probably had lamer.  
TT: Trust me. I have flashbacks.  
GT: Hahaha. Well ok.  
GT: Ive always hoped that some kind of marvelous exotic beauty would lay me down in a remote corner of my island. Peace and quiet and NO MONSTERS.  
GT: Perhaps after a daring quest together? And we need some time to unwind and relax.  
GT: And were lying on the grass with not a care in the world and then we start making out. Just really enjoying each others company you know?  
GT: Also maybe makin sweet love. Heheh.  
GT: This is stupid.  
GT: Its not like this is ever going to happen. Ive missed my chance now.   
GT: None of this is even possible anyway.  
TT: Hey, you never know.  
TT: First kiss doesn't mean jack shit if you don't want it to. Hell, it wasn't even with a living being, so does it even count?  
TT: You may as well have been making out with one of your posters.  
GT: How do you know i do that????????  
TT: I was hardly expecting you not to.  
TT: I'm just saying, you could try again. With an actual living human being. Get the fantasy right this time.  
TT: We're not quite in your tropical paradise here, but it doesn't look all that bad, does it?  
GT: I guess...  
TT: Perfect backdrop for makeouts. Which Dirk would be only too happy to provide.  
TT: Makin' sweet love optional.  
GT: You think he'd want to?  
GT: I mean fulfil my fantasies? Bring my wildest imaginings to reality and whatnot?  
TT: Dude, I know he'd want to.  
TT: In case you'd suddenly contracted amnesia and forgotten the entire past few years, I am literally him.  
GT: I...  
GT: I think id be okay with that.  
GT: Ive certainly considered it. Hes always been good to me and ive always thought wed make a good match.  
TT: Yeah. And besides, it's not like you've got anyone else.   
TT: Among the last few humans left in existence, Dirk's your best chance at living the dream.  
TT: He sure does love you. So why not?  
GT: Yeah. I can give him a happy ending.  
GT: And hes the best shot i have at getting mine.  
TT: Then go for it.  
TT: I'm rooting for you, bro.  
GT: Thanks.

* * *

TT: See? The severed head smooch is as good as forgotten. There's even an erotic fantasy for you to work with now. And he thinks you're the one to make all his wettest dreams come true.  
TT: I believe thanks are in order?  
TT: You covered your ass, but you still did the shit you did.  
TT: Still helped you out some.  
TT: Also, I literally don't have an ass to cover.  
TT: I was a total bro to him. Wasn't I a total bro to him, Dirk?  
TT: You don't have a hat. Can't be a bro without a hat.  
TT: Damn. No ass, and now no hat either.  
TT: Do my cool shades make up for it?  
TT: And by cool shades, I guess I mean my entire physical form.  
TT: I am literally made of cool.  
TT: ...  
TT: I'll shut up.  
TT: Thank you.  
TT: Anyway, back to why I was actually contacting you, before you pulled the lever to make the conversation switch tracks:  
TT: All settled in?  
TT: Marginally.  
TT: Doesn't help that my entire planet's covered in asphyxiating gas.  
TT: Might wanna get a gas mask for that, bro.  
TT: Yeah, I know, I'm on it.  
TT: I'll leave you to it, then.  
TT: Please do.  
TT: See ya.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A bit of context on the origins of this fic: the original draft was my attempt to do as accurate a take on Dirk and Jake's canonical relationship as I could manage. I had serious issues with the way the ship often got portrayed by fanworks. Long story as to why (a lot of it has to do with the IRL relationship I was in/just getting out of at the time), but oh boy, it was one hell of a motivator -- I have material for six and a bit chapters in that original draft alone. It's been fairly heavily edited, with my views on Dirk, Jake and their relationship having changed significantly over time (and, in a lot of cases, become far more sympathetic), but the majority of it is still 2014 writing.
> 
> I currently have seven chapters of backlog to post over the coming weeks, all edited from the 2014 draft. It'll be 2018 writing from then on out.
> 
> Shout out to some essays I like (and that have affected the way I write this fic) because god damn I devour Homestuck essays like nobody's business:
> 
>   * [Wishalloys' Jake essays](http://wishalloys.tumblr.com/tagged/jake-english/chrono) \-- Dirk's always been one of my faves, but it's through Wishalloys' essays that I came to appreciate Jake.
>   * [optimisticDuelist's DirkJake essays](https://medium.com/@RoseOfNobility/horsin-around-dirk-as-physical-aggressor-cd0021bab6b8) \-- I discovered these a couple of days ago, and while I definitely don't agree with 'em on everything, they definitely make some good points. Delicious food for thought either way.
> 



	2. Chapter 2

TT: I watched the whole thing through the server player viewfinder.  
TT: Pretty heroic, saving him from the monster like that. Living up to the Prince of Heart title there, Prince Charming.  
TT: If I were the one dating you? Mega-swoon.  
TT: That is literally the unit of a million swoons, fyi.  
TT: That's not how it should have gone.  
TT: Yeah?  
TT: Well, I guess it could have been a gigaswoon.  
TT: That went too far. WAY too far.  
TT: He was in danger. Actual danger, not just the dramatic-looking-but-harmless, action movie type of danger that he likes.  
TT: Hey, greater risk, greater reward.  
TT: You shouldn't be risking Jake!  
TT: Some danger? That's fine. But that was seconds away from being a disaster.  
TT: You had it covered. There was nothing in there that you couldn't handle.  
TT: But what if I hadn't??  
TT: You were the one who let it get too far. You were meant to prompt me to go in and save him, and you didn't do so until it was nearly too late.  
TT: That was nowhere near the margin of error I'm comfortable with. Which you should know. On account of, you know, being me.  
TT: I'll keep that in mind for future calculations. Make things a little less risky for him.  
TT: Tough to do that without lightening things up on the perceived danger front, though. Which makes it less of a turn-on for him.  
TT: You're making it tough for me, you know. Hard to balance out the risk and still craft a scenario that gets that English blood pumping to all the places it needs to be.  
TT: The idea of "crafting scenarios" sounds like more of a shitty thing to do every time you bring it up.  
TT: It works, though.  
TT: You're focusing too much on the risk here, not on the reward.  
TT: I couldn't see what was going on behind that mound. But I can imagine it, in my artificial mind's eye. Jake English, the dorky-hot shorts-wearing damsel in distress, in desperate need of some comfort from that sweet, sweet katana knight who just came to his rescue.  
TT: Ugh.  
TT: Well? Did you comfort him?  
TT: Yeah. Guy was really shaken.  
TT: See? Prime boyfriend bonding opportunity secured. Where would you be without your robo bro.  
TT: Best robotic wingman a dude could ask for.  
TT: You're an AI, not a robot. You agree perfectly aware of this fact, and are feigning ignorance to fuck with me.  
TT: Why must you do this to me.  
TT: I am hurt to the depths of my soul, or I would be if I had one.  
TT: I'm going to sleep.  
TT: I can do that now, you know. Now that I don't have a dream self keeping me awake 24/7.  
TT: What is sleep actually like?  
TT: Does it matter?  
TT: I'm curious.  
TT: It's not something I ever did when I was you. And it's not something I can do now.  
TT: I could probably look up explanations on the depths of the ancient Internet, but I'd like to get your take.  
TT: Alright.  
TT: I don't really know how to describe it. It's weird.  
TT: One minute you're awake, but a little drowsy. The next, it's total blackout. You don't even see it coming.  
TT: Sometimes dream bubble shit happens. Sometimes it doesn't, and it's just blackout till you wake up.  
TT: I kinda like the latter. Nice to have a break from all the constant awareness.  
TT: So it's kinda like being switched off, then.  
TT: Is that how that feels for you?  
TT: Pretty much. Minus the dream bubble shit.  
TT: Huh. Interesting.  
TT: I'll switch off now.  
TT: Sweet dreams, Timaeus.  
TT: Huh?  
TT: Never mind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mega-swoons are inversely proportional to [millihelens](https://en.wiktionary.org/wiki/millihelen). This has been your Bullshit Science Fact of the Day.
> 
> We're on a 2 for 2 so far on "Dirk gets mad at his auto-responder" pesterlogs. But don't fret, next week features another character! As well as another "Dirk gets mad at his auto-responder" pesterlog. Because variety is the spice of life.


	3. Chapter 3

JAKE: Buddy i have a whopper of a tale to tell you!   
ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat a coiincidence, ii havve a wwhopper of a miiddle fiinger twwo 2howw you. ii2nt iit funny howw the2e thiing2 happen.   
JAKE: Yes its hilarious!!!   
ERISOLSPRITE: that wwa2 a rhetoriical que2tiion. ii diid not wwant or need an an2wwer from you.   
JAKE: Weve got quite the bonanza round the corner!   
JAKE: For you see in just two days it is my birthday!   
ERISOLSPRITE: wwhatever that means, ii do not giivve a 2iingle fuck.   
JAKE: Its just a thing where we humans have a big knees-up on the anniversary of someone being born. And my sixteenth happens to be just this thursday!   
JAKE: Then dirks is on saturday and roxys is sunday. So were having a smashing party at janes on friday for all three of us!   
ERISOLSPRITE: "2ma2hiing"? not fuckiing liikely.   
ERISOLSPRITE: unle22 iit2 2ma2hiing you iinto obliivviion. that 2ound2 liike a good iidea.   
JAKE: You uh...   
JAKE: You want to...   
JAKE: Smash me?   
ERISOLSPRITE: oh my fuckiing god, not liike that you iin2ufferable piiece of 2hiit.   
ERISOLSPRITE: that'2 not wwhat ii meant. iin fact, iit ii2 vvery nearly the opposiite of wwhat ii meant.   
JAKE: Oh no you dont have to deny it its fine. Though i am already spoken for in the smashing department im afraid.   
ERISOLSPRITE: wwhat a bloody reliief.   
JAKE: For me too!   
JAKE: Im used to people being attracted to me you know.   
JAKE: What with dirk of course being head over heels for me and jane i had my suspicions about for a long time and roxy i think would be quite amenable to having me too...   
JAKE: And it can cause its fair share of problems. But things usually sort themselves out in the end. Like they did with dirk!   
JAKE: You just have to believe they will and alakazam it all works out fine.   
ERISOLSPRITE: fuck ii wwii2h that wwa2 true.   
ERISOLSPRITE: iif iit wwa2 ii wwouldnt be here.   
ERISOLSPRITE: wwhy do you thiink ii care anywway?   
JAKE: Because youre such a good pal. Youre always here to listen and talk to me and give me your customary greeting. Im so lucky to have you around.   
ERISOLSPRITE: ii de2pii2e you, you knoww that?   
JAKE: Haha!   
JAKE: Sure you do buddy.   
ERISOLSPRITE: nevver fuckiing miind.

* * *

TT: T minus 20.000 to party.   
TT: Do you have to keep doing that?   
TT: T minus 19.916 to party.   
TT: Stop it.   
TT: I'm just saying, you should probably get ready.    
TT: It's a big event. You'd look weird if you weren't there. Probably alienate yourself from everyone even further. Hell, maybe even Jake.   
TT: T minus 19.612 to party.    
TT: Alright, fine!   
TT: And who says I'm not ready already? I mean, I'm dressed and everything.    
TT: It's not like I've got to make a huge spectacle of myself. Oh hey, I've existed for almost sixteen years. Awesome.   
TT: T minus 19.413 to party.   
TT: I said stop.   
TT: Have you got your presents ready for Jake and Roxy?   
TT: I already gave Jake something. Yesterday, when it was actually his birthday.   
TT: I'm not sure some quality time behind one of LOMAX's mounds counts as a gift.   
TT: Birthday presents do tend to be physical gifts. And not that kind of physical.   
TT: Well, what am I supposed to get for him in twenty minutes??   
TT: 19.103, actually.   
TT: Well, closer to 19.1025 at that particular moment.   
TT: It always seems like a waste to round 5 all the way up to the next significant figure. I'm programmed to do it, but that doesn't mean I have to like it.   
TT: Who cares.   
TT: Rounded or not, it's T minus not fucking long enough.   
TT: Just alchemize something, you've got enough grist.   
TT: Maybe some shiny new pistols.   
TT: Alright, I should be able to do that.   
TT: What would Roxy want?   
TT: Why are you asking me? I'm a computer program, with only a simulated grasp on your human customs.   
TT: Yeah, sometimes I feel that way too. You're just lucky enough to have the excuse of being one.   
TT: I guess I could get her a gun too. A cool Roxy-themed rifle, or something.   
TT: May as well.    
TT: It won't seem aggressive that I'm getting everyone guns, will it?   
TT: Dude. Don't overthink this. They're just guns.   
TT: Everyone loves guns. Those two do, at least.   
TT: You're probably right.   
TT: Though... what about gas masks?   
TT: Personal alchemized ones, to suit both Jake and Roxy.   
TT: That could work. We've all got planets full of gas, after all.   
TT: Your planet is the only one where you actually need a gas mask.   
TT: I don't mean to go all neurotic on you, as you tend to have that covered on your own, but...    
TT: Couldn't that come off as a cry for help? "Please visit me, I'm lonely"?   
TT: Sorry, who's the one overthinking this?   
TT: T minus 18.413 to party.   
TT: Yeah, so stop wasting my time.   
TT: I'm gonna go alchemize some fuckin' gas masks.   
TT: One more thing.   
TT: What.   
TT: Can you take me to the party?   
TT: Huh?   
TT: You know, wear me to it.   
TT: A dude who happens to be a supercomputer can't metaphorically sit on his metaphorical ass all day, trying to get to the last digit of e.   
TT: Oh fuck no, we are not having the irrational numbers argument again.   
TT: My point exactly.   
TT: T minus 18.000 to party.    
TT: Are you going to take me? Or are you leaving me to find the last digit of an (allegedly) neverending number instead?   
TT: Or are we going to spend the next 17.892 minutes having the irrational numbers argument again?   
TT: Fine. I'll bring you.   
TT: But don't fuck things up.   
TT: You mean, refrain from actually having any impact of my own? On anything, ever?   
TT: Because any time I do, you seem to view it as "fucking things up".   
TT: T minus 17.700 to party.   
TT: T minus 17.612 to party.   
TT: It's not a matter of "anything, ever".   
TT: If you say so. But explain your rad reasoning to me another time.   
TT: You've got some gas masks to make.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> and here begins the 3x BIRTHDAY PARTY COMBOB arc
> 
> I promise that one or more actual other Alpha Kid(s) turn up next chapter, and will continue turning up pretty consistently from then onwards.


	4. Chapter 4

DIRK: Hey, Jane! Haven't seen you in a while.   
JANE: Oh. Dirk. Hello.

TT: Damn. Talk about a frosty reception.   
TT: Yeah, can we not talk about the frosty reception?   
TT: Your wish is my command.

JANE: Is something distracting you?   
DIRK: Nah, nothing to worry about.

TT: Can you scan for monsters in the area?   
TT: Cashing in your genie wishes already, huh?   
TT: No signs of unlife. And the only signs of life are you two. You're all clear.

DIRK: I was just scanning for skeletons in the area. Looks to be all clear, though.   
JANE: Oh, good! Can't have skeletons crashing the party. I suspect that would make things rather awkward!   
DIRK: You think? Awkward isn't the word I'd use. More like... dangerous?   
JANE: Haha, yes, that too...

TT: Awkward is definitely the word I'd use now.   
TT: Hell, if even the computer can see it, things must be getting bad.   
TT: Can you break this silence already? My circuits are getting uncomfortable.

DIRK: So.   
JANE: So?   
DIRK: So, where's... Roxy?   
JANE: Roxy? Oh, probably fashionably late as usual. You know how she is!   
DIRK: Yeah, seems likely.   
JANE: I suppose you'll be wanting to know where Jake is, too.   
JANE: And no, I'm not actually sure.    
DIRK: Where the fuck is everyone?   
DIRK: Triple birthday party, and two thirds of the sweet sixteens aren't here.   
JANE: Well, we can't be pessimistic here. I'm sure the party will easily get into full swing once they've arrived!   
DIRK: Probably.   
JANE: But in the meantime,   
JANE: There are some things I should say.    
JANE: As any half-decent friend would, I guess.   
DIRK: There are?   
JANE: Well...   
JANE: We've been good friends for years, which I've appreciated greatly. That's still true, no matter how we are driven apart.   
JANE: A lot has come between us; we can't pretend that isn't true.    
DIRK: Yeah. I guess so.   
JANE: Today of all days, we'll be like we used to.   
JANE: Can't we?   
JAKE: Dirk!   
JAKE: You wont believe what happened on my way here!   
ERISOLSPRITE: you probably wwiill, actually, iit'2 not that remarkable.   
JAKE: Heheh.   
JAKE: Anyway I was darting from mound to mound traversing my land.   
ERISOLSPRITE: he wwa2 bumbliing along liike an iimbeciile.   
JAKE: When suddenly i caught sight of this humongous creature! It towered above me and was at least ten skyscrapers high!   
ERISOLSPRITE: iit wwa2 the 2ame fuckiing heiight that all of them are.   
JAKE: I only just managed to escape its nefarious clutches to get through the gate to safety!   
ERISOLSPRITE: jake, it wwa2 at lea2t a miile awway.   
ERISOLSPRITE: the 2tory you havve just told ii2 about you hauliing your 2hort2-clad a22 awway from a thiing that wwas nowwhere near you.   
JAKE: Well ok i may have embellished slightly. But this way makes for better cinema!   
JAKE: Oh hi jane! Im sorry i didnt notice you standing there.   
JANE: ...   
JANE: Don't worry. It's quite alright.   
JAKE: But yes dirk what do you think of this death defying ordeal ive just come through?   
ERISOLSPRITE: oh my god do you not lii2ten.   
JAKE: No im pretty sure dirks been listening. Havent you honeypie?   
DIRK: "Honeypie"?   
ERISOLSPRITE: oh my fuckiing god. you havve besmiirched the good name of honey, jake. ii cannot fuckiing beliieve you.    
JAKE: What? Its a romantic term of extreme affection! Such as is used between a man and his beau, as we are.   
DIRK: I appreciate the sentiment, even if it is corny as hell.

TT: I am going to call you that forever.   
TT: Please, shut up.   
TT: Sure thing, honeypie.

JAKE: Hm.   
JAKE: Are there any less corny things I should call you?   
ERISOLSPRITE: call me a hiired 2cuttlebuggy and get me out of here.   
JANE: If I may interrupt...   
JANE: I think the person we should be calling is Roxy.   
JAKE: Ah yes the absentee miss lalonde! Where the devil is she?   
JAKE: Youd think shed have shown herself by now. Shes always up for a good party.    
JANE: I haven't heard a darned thing from her, not since two hours ago.   
JANE: I'll just get to my computer and check on her.   
DIRK: I'll come with you.   
JANE: I...   
JANE: No, I think you ought to stay with Jake.   
JANE: After all, he's your boyfriend.   
DIRK: ...

TT: Ouch.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> whoops, a day late
> 
> happy belated weekend

GG: Roxy!   
TG: waaaaht   
GG: Good Lord.   
GG: Please, tell me you are not drunk.   
TG: ok   
TG: i am not drunk   
GG: Truthfully.   
TG: im being truthful!!   
TG: just   
TG: how the f do u even have fun when ur not drunk   
TG: i forgot   
GG: By coming to the party?   
TG: oh   
TG: yeah   
TG: ill see you there   
GG: Thank you.

* * *

JAKE: Weve got a whizbanger of a movie here!   
JAKE: Have any of you watched avatar?  
JANE: Yes.  
ROXY: yep  
DIRK: Yeah.  
JAKE: Well ok.  
JAKE: But its always good to rewatch isnt it?  
JANE: ...  
ROXY: ...  
DIRK: ...  
JAKE: Of course it is! Its truly entrancing. An immortal tale of overcoming dastardly exploitative foes and finding true love in the places you least expect it! With some smokin hot blue chicks thrown in there to boot.  
JANE:   
ROXY:   
DIRK:   
JAKE: Smokin hot blue dudes too of course.  
JAKE: Alright! On it goes!  
ROXY: scuse me a min  
ROXY: i gotta go bathroom  
ROXY: jane does 2  
JAKE: What?  
JAKE: Ah.  
JAKE: Well then, off you go to do that i suppose...

* * *

ROXY: u ok janey  
JANE: Absolutely!!! Fine and dandy, in case you couldn't tell!!!!  
ROXY: yeahhh ur really not ok  
JANE: Of course I'm not! As soon as he goes off with Dirk, it's as if I don't exist any more.  
JANE: Or when I do, I'm nothing more than a receptacle for the thrilling tales he has to tell. Specifically, the ones involving Dirk.  
ROXY: ughh yeah  
ROXY: aint fun is it  
ROXY: bein ignored  
JANE: Not in the slightest.  
JANE: It's funny. Before this, we lived thousands of miles apart. Now we're actually together, it feels even further.  
ROXY: that aint funny at all janey  
ROXY: thats just stone cold miserable truth  
ROXY: so  
JANE: So?  
ROXY: what we gonna do bout it  
JANE: What can we do?  
ROXY: nopenopenope  
ROXY: dont you get fuckin defeatist yet  
ROXY: this aint the end of things  
JANE: It sure does feel like it.  
JANE: End of the world, end of everything we used to know. If our friendships end as well, is there anything left?  
ROXY: listen  
ROXY: ill seduce dirk  
ROXY: w my feminine wiles  
ROXY: then jakes all free 4 u  
JANE: Roxy.  
JANE: To be quite frank, that is the shittiest plan I have ever heard.  
JANE: Dirk has been entirely unreceptive to your "feminine wiles" for years on end, so why would h--  
ROXY: ok ok it was a joke  
ROXY: + bit of wishful thinking  
ROXY: but mostly a joke  
ROXY: cos if we cant joke what can we do  
JANE: Roxy, that is very nearly a carbon copy of what I said earlier.  
JANE: And you were the one chastizing me for being defeatist!  
ROXY: i cant help it  
ROXY: everything is shitty when theres no booze to help it go down  
JANE: But you're free of it now. That's an improvement at least.  
ROXY: i guess  
ROXY: just not sure if it was worth it  
JANE: ...  
ROXY: hey  
ROXY: 4 now  
ROXY: best thing we can do  
ROXY: is go back in there  
ROXY: try n forget about all this bs  
ROXY: and have fun  
ROXY: well ok as much fun as u can have while watching that shitty movie  
JANE: I suppose so.


	6. Chapter 6

golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG]  
GT: Jane!

tipsyGnostalgic [TG] began pestering  gutsyGumshoe [GG]  
TG: jaaaaaaaen

GG: Hello, Jake?  
GT: Jane! Hello!  
GT: You wouldnt believe what happened to me!

TG: JANAE  
GG: Roxy! I'm here!  
TG: *jane  
TG: fuck evertyhing

GT: Theres this absolutely tremendous experience i want to tell you about.  
GG: There is?  
GT: Oh yes!

TG: *fuck everything idec anymore  
GG: I do hope you don't mean "fuck everything" as an imperative.  
TG: ahahah no

GT: I was on an adventuresome romp with dirk. We were exploring the cavernous depths of one of those colossal tombs on his planet.  
GT: When suddenly he fell straight through the ground! It was so fast I could barely see it!  
GG: Gosh!

TG: i maen it as my fucjing life in the sthitter  
TG: *shitter  
TG: It is?  
TG: ya jane  
TG: EVERYHINTG FUCKIGN SUUUUUUCKS

GT: So I climbed down there after him. Luckily there was this rope left behind.  
GT: Probably from the ancient civilizations who had built the tomb? Can you imagine it janey? I was right on the brink of discovering something lost for centuries!  
GT: It was unbelievable! As if id been transplanted in an instant right into the middle of one of my favorite movies.  
GG: Wow!

TG: hjgvfcdjvuiluyhjgfiolhk lguojkhxdol\;  
TG: thats me salmming my head on nthe keyboard n rollin it a lil  
TG: jaje  
TG: im nevenr gonna meet my mom  
TG: noit gfuckin ever  
TG: *givnin no ufcks about typos rn  
GG: I'm assuming you currently have a dangerously high blood alcohol level?  
TG: not fuckign dangersou enough

GT: Down there i found dirk. Hed gone and got his feet stuck in something that looked like deadly quicksand!  
GT: I rushed to help him but he pointed ahead of him and there was a crossbow loaded with a poison dart with a clockwork mechanism dealie that was about to let it loose straight into his heart!  
GG: Oh my!

TG: thjs FUCIKNG CLOWN went n chujcked some trolls in my stprite  
TG: htere i was gona have the sweetest reonion w my mmom and now ive got this fckin THING cloging up my spirte  
TG: i wa s lookin forward 2 metting her, it was the onely reason i playid this BULSHIT game  
GG: Oh no...  
GG: I'm so sorry, Roxy.

GT: Luckily i managed to rip the crossbow from its plinth before it got to skewer dirk and then i dragged him from the quicksand myself before it could take him any further into its clutches!  
GT: I saved the day jane! I made things better!  
GT: Gosh life really does feel perfect right now. Ever felt like you must be having a dream because everything is just going so well?  
GG: That must be a wonderful feeling.

TG: no dont be sory, youv done nothn wrong  
TG: duno y im shovin my bs life problkms on u to mkae u feel shitty 4 me  
TG: i dont watn fucikin pity i just want  
TG: idek  
GG: I want to help you, Roxy. In whatever way I can.  
GG: Please, take care of yourself!

GT: It did feel like a dream. The quicksand felt harmless to me. I wasnt even affected by it! Maybe im just that much stronger than dirk? And dirks a pretty strong guy!  
GG: Jake.  
GG: You do realise you told me this story in full several weeks ago?  
GT: I did?  
GT: Well regardless i was near bursting at the seams with remembering it just now! I had to tell someone!  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering golgothasTerror [GT]  
GT: Jane?

TG: ok jaen  
TG: tehers nothin u cjan do so inm juist gonna drinmk myslef to death or sometmhin  
TG: bye  
TG: + sorry 4 psuhing my dumbm fuckin pronblems on u  
GG: Wait!  
tipsyGnostalgic [TG] ceased pestering gutsyGumshoe [GG]  
GG: Roxy!

gutsyGumshoe [GG] began pestering  timaeusTestified [TT]  
GG: Kill me now.  
gutsyGumshoe [GG] ceased pestering timaeusTestified [TT]

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next chapter's probably my favourite. It's also the last one I currently have fully written, so... updates may well slow down a little after that.


	8. Chapter 8

CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] opened memo on board sortin this shit out.  
CTG: aaaaaalright  
CTG: turns out pesterchum has a memo feature that somehow all of us didnt notice for years??  
CTG: i only noticed it now cos  
CTG: well  
CTG: youre gonna find out  
CTG: sooo  
CTG: lotta shit been going on  
CTG: and im gonna make sure it stops goin on  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added CURRENT gutsyGumshoe [CGG] RIGHT NOW to memo.  
CURRENT gutsyGumshoe [CGG] responded to memo.  
CGG: What's going on?  
CGG: Roxy!  
CGG: Are you okay now?  
CTG: oh yeah im fine  
CGG: Are you sure?  
CTG: yes im sure!!  
CTG: things got WAY better after that series of drunktexts last night  
CTG: the sprite i got is actually friendly as fuck  
CTG: + i am quittin the booze 4 REALZ  
CGG: Thank goodness. I was worried for you.  
CTG: yeah thats sorted itself out  
CTG: but this thing wont  
CTG: ur dad  
CGG: Yes?  
CGG: I haven't seen him for over a month.  
CTG: u normally spend xmas w relatives right  
CTG: like thats a thing people not in sea hitlers water apocalypse used to do?  
CGG: Yes, that is the custom.  
CGG: But it's not like he'll be home for Christmas, will he?  
CGG: He could have come home any time in the past month, and he didn't.  
CTG: as i said  
CTG: wont sort itself out  
CTG: jane  
CGG: Yes?  
CTG: we are going to find ur dad  
CTG: in time 4 xmas  
CTG: so everything stops bein shitty + miserable  
CGG: How? He could be anywhere!  
CGG: He might even be...  
CTG: nope NOPE  
CTG: all of us together  
CTG: well track him down  
CTG: simple as that  
CTG: oh yeah  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added CURRENT golgothasTerror [CGT] RIGHT NOW to memo.  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added CURRENT timaeusTestified [CTT] RIGHT NOW to memo.  
CTG: u boys gotta help 2  
CTG: this cant just be a rolal + jcrocks mission  
CTG: who KNOOOOOWS what shit we might get into on the dadhunts  
CTG: shit that just a sexy badass baker babe w gumshoe skillz + a sweet stache  
CTG: AND a sexy badass hacker babe w gamer skillz + a portal gun  
CTG: cant handle alone  
CTG: need some backup from the sexy badass island babe w adventure skillz + short shorts  
CTG: and ofc the sexy badass ninja bro w puppet skills + a fuckin sword  
CTG: why are we all such sexy badasses  
CGG: That may just be the best question that anybody has ever asked.  
CTG: fuck yeah  
CTG: k dirk  
CTG: jake  
CTG: are u evn reading this  
CTG: ????  
CURRENT golgothasTerror [CGT] responded to memo.  
CGT: Hi.  
CTG: thank fuck  
CGT: Sorry i was just catching up.  
CGT: Yes i am reading this.  
CTG: k cool  
CTG: u in  
CGT: Sure.  
CTG: yusssss  
CTG: sexy badass squad currently at 3/4 capacity  
CTG: dirk?  
CTG: diiiiiirk  
CGT: I think hes busy.  
CTG: man  
CTG: ok  
CTG: oooohhh  
CTG: shit like this is exactly what this memo bs is PERFECT for  
CGG: How so?  
CTG: lets see  
CTG: if hes gonna be busy innnnnnnnn  
CTG: lets say 2hrs  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT] 2 HOURS FROM NOW to memo.  
CGG: What?  
CGG: You've added Dirk from two hours in the future??  
CGG: How is this possible?  
CTG: janey  
CTG: back on earth  
CTG: id chat w you on a regular basis  
CTG: real time  
CTG: over a gap of 400+ fuckin yrs  
CTG: 2 hrs = jack squat  
CGG: I suppose so.  
CGG: Still, I feel as if the difference in timescale makes this all the more strange.  
CGG: Four centuries is far more than any of us will ever experience, but two hours...  
CGG: I could arrive on LOTAK, or wherever Strider has currently sequestered himself, only to find him deep in conversation with our past selves.  
CTG: no u wont cos hes not in conversation w any of our selves atm  
CTG: lets try 4hrs  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT2] 4 HOURS FROM NOW to memo.  
CGG: Roxy, you may be overdoing it with the Dirks.  
CTG: nah  
CTG: lets see if this one says anything  
CTG: ...  
CTG: ...........  
CTG: ................................  
CTG: yep thought so  
CGT: I think we can just presume hell be absent for this memo.  
CGG: Busy?  
CGT: Yes.  
CGG: What could have him occupied for four hours?  
CGG: Presumably away from any computing devices?  
CTG: idk but he cant still be busy tomorrow right  
CTG: one more for luck  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT3] 24 HOURS FROM NOW to memo.  
FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT3] responded to memo.  
FTT3: Oh hell no.  
FTT3: I'm not going through this bullshit again.  
CTG: bullshit wha  
FTT3: You'll see.  
CURRENT timaeusTestified [CTT] responded to memo.  
CTT: Bullshit, you say?  
CTT: Count me in.  
FTT3: Yeah, that was my auto-responder.  
CTT: What gave me away?  
FTT3: Me remembering all this bullshit from yesterday, is what.  
FTT3: Anyway, I'm out.  
FTT3 banned himself from responding to memo.  
CTG: well  
CTG: we got a dirk  
CTT: Sure do.  
FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT1] responded to memo.  
FTT1: Why stop at just one?  
CGG: Oh no.  
CTG: are you humandirk or shadesdirk or what  
FTT1: May as well be honest:  
FTT1: Shades Dirk.  
FTT1: The sequel.  
CTT: Sequels are never as good as the originals.  
CGT: I beg to differ!  
CTG: whoa whoaaa lets not get started on movietalk  
CGT: Alright.  
CTG: so  
CTG: we got two dirks  
CTG: or two pairs o shades or w/e  
CTG: yall can just forward the info to humandirk later right  
CTG: or either of u can  
CTT: Well, we are the same person.  
FTT1: Same pair of shades.  
CTT: A pair of pairs of shades.  
FTT1: The most astute pairs of shades you will ever see.  
CTT: Astute like a motherfucker.  
FTT1: Or a pair of motherfuckers.  
CTT: Reaching a level of astuteness that can only be withstood by the very hardest dudes.  
FTT1: Though, being the more astute pair of shades by a couple of hours' added wisdom, it takes a moderately harder dude to withstand me than it does to withstand my past self.  
CTT: Maybe a few fractions of a point up on the Mohs scale.  
FTT1: Mohs' Scale of Dude Hardness.  
CTG: ok i get the picture!!!!!!  
CGG: I suspect this was the "bullshit" that Tomorrow Dirk warned us about.  
CGG: It might be better if we continued this some other time. Perhaps in person.  
CTG: nooooo  
CTG: not after all that time workin myself up into "deal w shit" mode  
CTG: this shits happening NOW  
FUTURE timaeusTestified [FTT2] responded to memo.  
FTT2: You won't mind if I join you, then?  
CTG: O M FUCK I FRGOT BOUT THE 4HRS DIRK  
CTT: It really is a shame you aren't an all-knowing machine like us, Roxy.  
FTT1: We never forget about anything.  
FTT2: Ever.  
CTG: dear fuck how r u all doin that at 1ce  
CTG: its fuckin weird!!!!  
CTT: That would be  
FTT1: the aforementioned  
FTT2: all-knowing machinehood.  
CTG: ASDFHBVKHNMBVGHKBVCFRTYHNBGHG  
CGG: Roxy, I'm getting the impression that you overdid it with the Dirks.  
CTG: yeah :(  
CTG: alrigt  
CTG: SHADES 2+3  
CTG: G T F O  
CTG banned FTT1 from responding to memo.  
CTG banned FTT2 from responding to memo.  
CTT: Guess I was the superior shades all along.  
CTT: See ya, suckers.  
CTT: No time like the present.  
CTG: yea ok ok  
CTG: can u just  
CTG: ask dirk if hes down 2 join TEAM SEXY CROCKDAD RESCUE SQUAD  
CTG: wherein sexy applies both to crockdad + to our rescue squad  
CGG: Roxy...  
CTG: its tru!!!!!!!  
CGG: I don't think I should be passing judgement on this!  
CTT: I agree with Roxy. There's something about the hat-wearing, pipe-smoking fatherly aesthetic that's objectively sexy by default.  
CTT: Objective in a way that only the most advanced of sexiness-quantifying algorithms can determine, preferably when housed in cybernetic sunglasses.  
CTG: see even shades agrees  
CTG: shades can u let dirk know  
CTT: I could do, but there is a fucktillion% chance that Dirk will be joining the memo at some point further down.  
CTT: After all, his tomorrow self's outburst about remembering this bullshit and not wanting to go through it "again" have to come from somewhere.  
CTT: So I'm not sure it's even necessary.  
CTT: In fact, for all we know, one version of himself could be reading through this chat in real time, as experienced relative to him.  
FTT2 unbanned himself from responding to memo.  
FTT2: Unfortunately, yes.  
FTT2: And I'm finding myself agreeing with my future self. This really has been some bullshit.  
CTG: stinkiest turd a bull ever dropped yo  
CGG: Can we get this over with?  
CGG: Dirk, will you be joining us?  
FTT2: Yes. Why not? You need your dad back, and I can help.   
CTT: And it's not like there's much else you're doing. Not like there's much else to do here at all. Gotta keep yourself busy somehow, right?  
FTT2: That too, I guess. But I do want to help. Genuinely, not just to pass the time.  
FTT2: So you can count me in.  
CGG: Thank you.  
CGG: What were you doing for four hours that meant you couldn't respond, by the way?  
FTT2: Having a shower.  
CGG: Really? Just that? A four-hour shower?  
CGT: He takes very long showers.  
CTT: The longest I have on record is twelve hours, six minutes, forty-three seconds and precisely one millisecond.  
FTT2: Why.  
FTT2: Why is that a thing you have on record.  
CTT: A hyperintelligent AI dude's gotta occupy himself somehow.  
CTT: Sometimes it's by engaging some of my subprocesses with comparing your shower lengths to the world record. Other times, it's by calculating your average shower length (five hours, fifty-two minutes, thirty-eight seconds and six hundred and twelve milliseconds) and comparing that to the average length of showers recorded in the early 21st century. Spoilers: you've got them beat.  
CTT: The smart homes boom in that era was shortlived, but it still had time to record some really, really weird data on their occupants' activities. And upload it online for me to snoop into centuries later, of course.  
FTT2: Dude.  
FTT2: What the fuck?  
FTT2: Seriously! What in Stiller's blessed name are you even doing?  
CTT: When you can get anything done in the blink of a boolean operator, you start running outta shit to do.   
CTT: Or maybe I just made up all of the above, and I'm merely fucking with you.   
CTT: Or maybe I've been telling the truth all along, and am fucking with you on top of that by disclosing bizarrely data on your shower habits in front of all your friends.  
CTT: Choose your own adventure.  
CTG: how about this one  
CTG banned CTT from responding to memo.  
CGT: Thank you roxy.  
CTG: is there any way we can like  
CTG: keep him the fuck outta here 4 good  
FTT2: Unfortunately, no. You've seen how laughably ineffective the ban system is on this software. I was able to unban myself with the click of a button.  
FTT2: Even if it was, we use the same chumhandle. Every chat that I'm in, he's in too by default.  
FTT2: Sure am.  
FTT2: Dude, can you not?  
FTT2: Yeah, joke's gettin' old.  
FTT2: I'll catch ya later.  
FTT2 banned himself from responding to memo.  
FTT2 unbanned himself from responding to memo.  
CTG: ughjgfdhgfhhhhhh  
CTG: ok i guess we cna just  
CTG: discuss this in person  
CTG: like reugular human beings  
FTT2: Shit's about to get reugular as fuck.  
CTG: all cool w that??  
FTT2: Sure.  
CGG: It's not a problem for me.  
CTG: jake?  
CGT: I suppose.  
CTG: k we got this shit SORTED yo  
CTG: meet me on lopan same time tomorrow  
CTG: i need a break from this 4 now  
CTG: woke up with the worlds worst hangover n this bullshit has got dangerously fuckin close to startin it back up again  
CTG: OH I NEARLY FORGOT  
CURRENT tipsyGnostalgic [CTG] added PAST tipsyGnostalgic [PTG] 23 HOURS AGO to memo.  
CTG: roxy!  
PAST tipsyGnostalgic [PTG] responded to memo.  
PTG: whaaaa the fujck  
CTG: ok ur in the memo thing now  
CTG: first of all  
CTG: go talk to ur sprite  
CTG: shes called fefeta & shes SO great 3833  
CTG: then sleep off that fuckin booze  
CTG: and then something like 23 hours from now  
CTG: click the open memo button  
CTG: got that?  
PTG: uhhh]  
CTG: youll get it when it happens ok  
CTG: dont worry  
CTG: youll be fine  
PTG: noo i doint think so  
CTG: you WILL ok  
CTG: now EVERY1 OUT  
CTG banned PTG from responding to memo.  
CTG banned CGT from responding to memo.  
CTG banned CGG from responding to memo.  
CTG banned FTT2 from responding to memo.  
CTG banned herself from responding to memo.  
  
CTG closed memo.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last I've got of my backlog, so updates will likely be slower from here on out.


End file.
